Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Downside to Savagery

I often write blogs about how awesome it is to train your ass off and be a savage. You get to always have clothes covered in chalk, you get to lift big metal objects and eat a ton of eggs. But, there's some downsides to this lifestyle that few people know about.

First off, the aforementioned eggs. Not only do you eat a ton of eggs but you will eat a ton of everything else you can get your hands on. A heavy squat, deadlift or Oly workout will leave you searching for anything that used to be alive to eat. The Hunger is insatiable. This can get pretty costly.

It's even more costly if you try to maintain a high quality for the foods you eat. When regular beef isn't enough and you try eating grass-fed beef, bison, venison or any of the other "exotic" meats, the cost per pound shoots through the roof. Organic fruits, veggies and eggs are also more expensive. When eating a ton of clean food, it's not uncommon to spend $100+ for just a few days of food. It's certainly much cheaper to eat Doritos and McDonalds all the time, but then you end up looking like this.

After all that lifting and eating, a new problem will arise: none of your goddamn clothes will fit. Your shoulders will get wider, your chest will get bigger and your back will get broader. This means not a single dress shirt you own will fit you the right way. When you go to buy a new one, they will fit like a bed sheet. Get a good tailor and hold them close to you.

Similarly, say goodbye to jeans. None of the current ones you own will fit. Your quads/hammies and ass will make it impossible to wear anything other than sweatpants most of the time. (I literally split a pair of suit pants a few months back trying them on in the store). Your girlfriend will probably even complain to her friends that you don't wear "real clothes" anymore and make you go shopping for jeans with her. Hint: most brands don't make jeans to fit people with "deadlift-ass". If and when you find a pair of jeans that fit, buy 13 pairs of them.

Speaking of clothes, get ready to do a shit-ton of laundry. Between your work clothes and regular clothes I'm sure you do a lot of laundry anyway. Now add in all the extra shorts, compression shorts, t-shirts and socks that you'll be wearing and do the math. If I wanted to, I could do laundry 2-3 times a week sometimes. There's no shortage of clothes sitting in my dirty laundry pile.

The last thing is the soreness. You will be tired/sore almost 100% of the time. When you walk down stairs you will have a strange waddle. When you get up off of chair, you will do it slowly. When it's time to get out of bed, it will look awkward as shit. The one time every day that you WILL NOT be moving like old people screw (slow and ugly) is when you walk into the gym. A good warm-up and some knee sleeves and you'll be ready to put the bar on your back.

Actually, I lied. These things I mentioned are all awesome. They are really all benefits to living the lifestyle of a Savage. Fuck your grocery bill. Fuck your pants and fuck your laundry. Have a great day and go lift some heavy shit!


  1. Deadlifts and steak tips goes together like PB&J

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